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• 2004

2004 - Not a Good Year

2004-12-31

2004-12-25

Excellent Xmas day considering what I was looking forward to...

Really like Mandy.

2004-12-24

Went over to V----m today. She's invited me over for Xmas. Apprehensive, but definately don't won't to spend Xmas alone. Alan's invited me to his Aunt's too, for lunch Xmas day.

Glad to have somewhere to go.

2004-12-23

Xmas party day today. F**king nightmare. E----i kept asking me if I had bought J----p present yet. I don't think she knows. Made me feel really awkward. Eventually decided it was just too much and abruptly got up and left.

F**k it.

2004-12-17

Q--z and I have been texting each other all week. Feels OK, but I was getting worried about what she looks like...

Needn't have though. She's a scary looking girl but has a pretty face - so that's ok then : ) We got on well.

2004-12-11

Covered in mega-bruises. Particularly one particularly vicious looking purple monster on my arse and another on my shoulder. Texted T-----d to clarify and he told me that I had fallen into a flowerbed whilst taking a p**s. My trousers stink, so I guess that clears up two mysteries for the price of one.

Finally got home this morning to find that I-----w had texted me. Texted her back and we have arranged to meet up on Friday. Bit worried as I really can't remember what she looks like.

2004-12-10

Met a girl tonight at the Giffard, and then the Planet. Her name's Q--z . Swapped phone number's. I was (as usual very drunk, but fortunately managed not to do any dance floor acrobatics).

Total fall-over count for the night: undetermined - see next diary entry.

2004-11-21

Made a new friend recently: W---i Gave him a helping hand by being around when his live in lodger started threatening extreme "destruction" upon him. Turns out he is a money man. Has a "sure fire system". Not sure the realist in me can accept that. But he needs a programmer for the techie stuff. Seems OK. But I guess you never really know until it's too late...

Anyway, he's got a hot (blind) date tonight. Have to admit I am a bit jealous - she's a metaller : (

Oh well - I think we know by now that there is no future with a crazy man like me...

Good luck M----i : )

He just texted that she bottled it and never turned up. Oh well... Can't live with 'em can't kill 'em.

2004-11-19

Been very low the last couple of days. Just can't believe I'm not with L----p any more. Feeling so alone. I feel like I'm stuck on a raft in the middle of the ocean, with no sign of land in any direction.

How can she have disregarded all we had so utterly? I wish I wasn't so ill. I don't see how I can possibly avoid the same happening to me again. I hate myself.

2004-11-16

Had a good band practice with W--c yesterday; so good we finished early. We drove 10 miles back to Wem only to discover that the only train he could catch back to Telford would take 2hrs (for 20 miles). Subsequently drove him all the way back to Telford myself. (Actually I was glad of the excuse to not be sat on my own in the flat). Gave him a picture too. He's been a good friend.

L----p sent me an email today about some banner she needs me to do for a website. For the first time ever she signed it "Cheers". Really upset me. Felt like I was nothing to her - doubtless this isn't too far from the truth. Will probably get drunk tonight. Pickled beetroot and gherkins in the fridge. Not very appetising... Still, at least there's plenty of beer.

2004-11-11

The pills: It was the plecebo effect... But I can at least function. Perhaps this is as good as it gets.

2004-11-08

L----p denied it, well I think she did. The last couple of days have been as bad as all the others put together. The thought of L----p and Y---x together makes me feel physically sick. The tears are now back with a vengeance. Seem to have developed the shakes too. Over the weekend U-----l also said that "Mummy was now kissing Y---x , not me". I texted L----p to say that if anything was going on, I would rather know about it than not. Haven't heard anything from her since (that was two days ago now). I guess we are now irreparably split.

Took the kids back to her parent's house on Sunday evening, just to avoid seeing her. I hate Y---x . But I hate myself more. I struggle so much with my illness, but I have to admit it pretty much destroys anything I care about.

I miss her so much I can hardly breath. Rattling around my sparsely furnished flat I'm waiting for my doctor's appointment. I've tried so hard but I need help, this is just too much to bear.

Went to the doctor's and he gave me some "recycled" drugs from "under the counter"!!! Modern medicine is wonderful isn't it? Actually I did get quite a good feeling about this Doctor (so good I'm going to spell doctor with a capital D). Probably the placebo effect, but actually felt notably better, less than an hour after taking the first tablet. Found myself thinking things like "she's an idiot for letting someone as different and clearly outstanding as me go" and "it truly is her loss". All my acts of utter selfless kindness smashing against the walls of my thoughts. Like the time I tried to get slappy John to hit me instead of Btn, the endless hospital visits, and last (and probably least!) the spur-of-the-moment presents that I couldn't afford, but were inspired by the love so strong.

Went to work. K-----e looked at me most strangely (I had felt I had to appraise him of the things that were likely to affect my ability to work and had emailed him that I wouldn't be in). Worked like the b*****d I pretty much am.

Went round to Lu's tonight. Last topic of the night was something to do with childhood. I confided in her that I slept with a big red toy bear. I jokingly told her that it was the only thing I had from my childhood. I think there is a biscuit tin of counters and marbles also, but it did hit me quite hard when I got up to my flat and realised that actually this was no joke, My Grandparents with whom I lived with in my early years sold all of my toys and though I went through their house when the last died, I found no pictures of me as a child and actually, very little evidence of a little boy ever having lived with them.

I think, the only only things we came away with (I was there with W-----v ), were a nasty early eighties wardrobe and a photo album of my parent's wedding. Nothing of me at all.

2004-11-02

U-----l kindly informed me that Y---x has "taken over from me" and is now "sleeping in Mummy's bed". Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse... My one time best friend now has my wife.

2004-10-31

Went to Wolves this weekend with E---k . Saw the girl I so impressed with my acrobatics the other week. Spent ages talking to her - she has a very nice smile. When I finally asked her for a kiss, she refused with a wave of an engagement ring (and a nice smile) and that was that.

: /

Later found out that E---k had snogged her outside! He said he just pounced. Guess I shouldn't have asked her first...

Ten years with the same woman has evidently made my skills a little rusty. Seem to have a problem with self-confidence. Still f**ked up. Tears all the way home; well, via T-----n 's to fix her sypware/network problems. Suppressed for ten years, my comic alter-ego seems to be making his way to the surface: Swimming up through the tears no doubt.

2004-10-25

9am.: Back to annoyance with L----p today. Good. Still tinged with sadness though. Got a lot of work to do, so will concentrate on that.

11pm.: Working like a b*****d. Busy day at work. Got home and played the drums for a bit. Then did more work on the touchscreen for the Museum. Was working on the map.. Thought of us in Paris - 'strangers in a strange land', lost. Sent me into fits of sobbing to remember us together. We were so happy. It was probably the last time we felt true togetherness. Neither of us could speak French and we only had each other in the 'strange land'. Still crying. So sad. Makes me really unhappy to think that L----p doesn't think as fondly of probably the biggest adventure we ever had.

2am: Been crying and working and crying and working all night. Absolutely hammered now. Can almost not type. Surely must go to bed now. Listening to Queensryche - Operation Mindcrime... particularly "I Don't Believe in Love". Took a disproportionately long time to type that last sentence.

Was just making a sandwich and mulling over a conversation I had earlier with T----k . She can't grasp the concept that I paint only for myself and (optionally) for the enjoyment of people close to me. I really don't want to sell any of the originals. Perhaps they will be my only legacy to my kids.

2004-10-22

Very difficult couple of days. Kicked in proper on Friday evening. I was working late at W----v 's and a female client came in. I saw her out of the corner of my eye and something about the way she moved reminded me so much of W-----v , when she used to meet me at the office. Been really struggling since.

To top it all off as the kids were leaving I heard U-----l say, "where's Y---x ?" I hope he's having a nice time with my wife (what a c**t. Probably the only tangible wedge to cling onto). I'm crying as I write this. Aside from any connection with W-----v : I thought he was my friend, but I know now that I was only ever a novelty to him.

2004-10-20

Melancholy today. Sort of 'half'-crying. Few tears frequently.

2004-10-18

Checked my guestbook at the exhibition today. Someone's written quite a rude message. Quite upset me. Think I'll rip the page out - shame though as there are nice messages on the reverse side. Don't understand someone who would go out of their way to be so negative. Perhaps someone who should really be writing such messages in their own guestbook.

Quite annoyed as I did specify that only nice things should be written if anything must be.

Started a new painting today: Wem High Street.

2004-10-16

Went out again today. This time to Wolverhampton with E---k . After the Good Samaritan fiasco of yesterday I resolved to think of me foremost. Got absolutely w**kered. Started to chat up some girl. She seemed quite interested until, on the dance floor, I totally forgot how standing up worked and did a crazy tumble over a step and into a table. It was a real Bridget Jones moment. The girl seemed to lose interest in me after that, so I went and sat on the touch line with all the other fat wheezy boys : (

Falling over count for the night: 3

2004-10-16

Just went to work today. Had a difficult time. Crying again. Got my new mini oven, haven't got any food to cook though.

2004-10-15

Went out with W--c and E---k to Wellington and then Birmingham - the latter on the trail of a girl for E---k . We eventually found her and E---k had his evil way with her. Not such fun for me however as I spent my time deflecting the rage of her boyfriend. When he eventually got thrown out by the bouncers I tried to get him in a taxi to go home. Unfortunately he refused to go on his own, so I ended up having to get in the taxi too. He was absolutely wasted so I ended up paying the taxi fare. Grrr : / It was only when we got back to his flat, that he was kind enough to inform me that the girl had the only key grrgrr ): /

He then proceeded to beat out his frustration about his girlfriend and my friend on his front door in forty minute bursts. When I began to develop a facial tick, I headed for the kebab shop over the road. By this time it had begun to rain.

Meanwhile E---k and the girl were supposedly following on behind us in E---k 's car. TWO AND A HALF hours later they turned up. )): |[

2004-10-13

Still working like a crazy man. 8 hrs at work then another 6 when I get home. I think I'm more tired than when I was pubbing it every night. But at least I'm doing something constructive.

2004-10-12

Been feeling OK the last couple of days. The loneliness is just an annoying niggle in the back of my head. I've been working lot's so maybe it's the distraction. Haven't been to the pub for 4 days now (though I do have a few cans of an evening). Trying to think about me. Nights are getting cold though and my storage heaters are a right waste of time. Wish I had someone warm to cuddle... no no away foul thoughts. I'll get a hot-water bottle today.

2004-10-10

Went to Mum's this weekend with kids. And for once didn't spend the first half of the journey home crying. In fact didn't cry at all. L----p not very well at moment. She called me on Friday. Seems that all I'm good for is a shoulder to cry on. Where's my shoulder to cry on..? Haven't seen that for a while. Felt a bit annoyed by the obviousness of her call. But equally I was desperately glad that she did. I wish I could let go.

2004-10-07

Stayed in tonight and worked a bit on my website. Wasn't too bad. I think the main reason I was going out every night was in the vain hope that I would meet a replacement for L----p Or at least I didn't want to miss new L----p if she was about. Two months of going out round here has suggested to me that perhaps she isn't here anyway. It would be nice if I could get used to being on own. All in all, love just doesn't seem to be worth the pain it causes.

2004-10-06

Oh I want L----p back so much. Tears today. The silence in my flat is deafening.

2004-10-05

Weird today. Been thinking about all the things that I didn't like about L----p Started with my remembering something she said to me near the end. She said that we got married when we did because she felt the time was right. This suddenly strikes me as condescending and controlling. What about me and what I thought? Ultimately she was wrong anyway.

When she got better she turned into a total control-freak Everything had to be arranged to the n^th degree. And she had to do it. She wound up getting really angry when people wouldn't play along. She also started to swear and curse when things went wrong. Her language was pretty foul much of the time. She seemed stressed when she got up in the morning and was immediately angry and stressed when she got home at night. Everything seemed everyone else's fault and then the foul language would start again... Ultimately the foul language and anger began to rub off on me, worsening my depression and making me really ill. Off course this just angered L----p more and probably made her not want to spend time with me - in turn causing spiraling damage.

I did try to explain to her that negativity about me, causes me damage but she just couldn't or wouldn't help me. The control-freak endured.

..Who was this..? This wasn't the person I fell in love with. The girl I trudged up Constitution Hill in the rain for. Somewhere along the line that kind and gentle girl seemed to have got lost. I'm not sure she was lost only since W-----v 's operation either...

Where's my soul-mate gone?

Went out to see some girl that I met another night F--i . Her husband wants to "break u in 2 you little s**t". So that's that then. I don't need that on top of everything else.

2004-10-04

Melancholy as always this morning. I left her for her, but I'm very hurt at how fast she got over me. After everything we'd been through. And especially after all the anguish when I thought she was going to die in hospital. How ironic that the one event that should have brought us together more than any other, drove such a wedge between us. Her new found freedom and desire to make up for lost time set me firmly at the bottom of the todo list. Below even Y---x Oh how I wish I could have had a place in her new life. For most of our time together, she was too ill to enjoy the things that young people do - going out and such, and now she wants to do all that, she doesn't want me there. I nagged her for seven years to come out with me, but she forced herself to a mere handful of times... now she wants to, but I can never be a part of it. I feel cheated and rejected.

I was going to leave her a couple of years after we had first met, but she cried and clung on so hard that I didn't. I wish now that I had.

2004-10-03

Woke up, as always with a dream about L----p fresh in my memory. Lay in bed for a bit thinking about her, then dragged myself out. Walking round in a daze. Thinking about the negative comments about my work. Half of me is shocked and saddened, the other half says "f**k you". I think this pretty much sums up my personalities. It would be nice to just have one, like everyone else.

Don't know what to do today. Did ask L----p if I could have U-----l but she seems to be ignoring me, too busy with her new freedom I suppose. Sent W--c a recording of drums for a new track also, but he too appears to be ignoring me. Perhaps I need to change my socks, or get a new deodorant.

L----p just phoned. Just small talk about her henna and website. "Me me me". Once there was "Us Us Us". At the end she started to say "I love you", but caught herself at "I lo..". Cried after call.

Two hours later, I am still crying. L----p is bringing U-----l round so I can't even get drunk. Hurts a lot. Started to watch an afternoon film on the TV, but just accentuated my loneliness - no-one's hand to hold. No-one cares about enough about me or my artwork to spare more than a brief glance up from whatever they are doing. I'm so utterly alone. I feel totally rejected by L----p and totally rubbish. Perhaps I'll die.

Went to the cinema with Mln. A nice escape for a few hours. The film was "Sky Captain and the Tomorrow World" or something, (bad title, good film surprisingly). Have stopped crying now, though only just. Eleven twenty now. Miss my pictures.

2004-10-02

Mixed reaction to exhibition, ranging from "dramatic paintings - lovely" to "what a pile of s**t!". In my current mood I can shrug of the negative comments, but doubtless they'll feed a black dog at some point. I am feeling pretty melancholy today - but not in the pit (yet).

2004-09-29

Been doing some some recording for W--c .'s new tracks over the past couple of days. Rewarding. Has made me feel quite good. I think tit was the distraction more than anything, the feeling's beginning to wear off now. Tears this morning. 2 days to exhibition. Feeling very lonely.

2004-09-24

7 days to exhibition.

2004-09-22

Very difficult day yesterday. Wandered about town in my lunch hour close to tears, then just sat in the shopping centre staring into space for about 20 minutes. When I got in, I went out to pub, but was even worse. Feel utterly betrayed and rejected. Must try to focus on my art. Got the kids tonight, which will undoubtedly be extremely difficult. But at least it will force me into having an early night.

10pm: Spoke to L----p earlier today - well through text messaging and email. Sometimes I almost feel like she still loves me.

2004-09-21

Very difficult night last night. Really really upset when I got home from my night wander through the pubs. Put on my wedding ring and resolved to keep it on. Woke up at 4:15am. Had to take it off and put it back in the drawer though - too upsetting. I can still feel it though on my finger.

Strange, but I dreamt of O-----m not L----p Weird.

2004-09-20

Went to see Arts Officer at local Museum/Art Gallery today. He was uninterested in my paintings, but was interested in my sketchbook.

2004-09-17

I was very angry with Catharine yesterday. It seemed to me that as soon as she didn't need me anymore, she stopped loving me. She wanted me to do some web stuff for her and then she phoned up and "was missing me"... Made me angry and I have now upset her

: (

I got really really drunk last night and was 10 seconds from doing it. Cried all night and am still crying now. I miss her so much. Got to try to get into work. Have decided to leave my sketchbooks to W-----v , hope she doesn't destroy them though - there's lots of stuff about her in one.

I wish I could cuddle her just one last time. I'm not healing.

2004-09-12

Kids with me last night. Had dreams of Q-----y and I moving into a new house. Very difficult morning. Was crying and N----w said, "I know you're missing Z--q , but D-----o said that when you're with her you were horrible". She probably neglected to mention the fact that she was also horrible to me. Just crying all the time now.

2004-09-05

Still angry with Q-----y today. Feel utterly rejected. It wasn't easy with her ill a lot of the time, but I stuck around and always tried my hardest. She wouldn't come out with me, she wouldn't do anything but go to castles, garden centres and coffee shops. But I was always there.

But now she doesn't need me and I'm obsolete. She doesn't need a crutch anymore so I'm out. That doesn't seem particularly fair to me. Never mind that I am still ill. Never mind what I need. She desperately trying to catch up on the time she feels she has missed and all other priorities are rescinded. I was the one thing that was always there throughout her illness, so I am not a priority. In fact I went to the absolute bottom of the todo list.

I'm so lonely. Went to the town carnival yesterday (on my own). When I got back I was a right state. Closest I've been to ending it all for quite a while.

2004-09-03

In paper tonight.

Bitch. Pissed. Why don't I wait around like Mister Easy Target while you're f*****g ill. Then , as soon as you're better, you can f**k off and not give a s**t about me. And that's OK. Isn't it? 'Cause you're OK jack.

2004-08-31

Tears for breakfast. Stayed with Y--w last night. Got in this morning and immediately dissolved into fits of tears about W-----v . It's difficult having J----p face in the middle of the new painting. Makes me cry whenever I see it. I'm filled with self loathing. I hate how I have destroyed what Q-----y and I had. When I think back the wedding day, and the births of the kids... Easily the happiest times of my life. Gone forever. Oh, I miss you so much. I wish you still loved me. It hurts so much to think that I'm never going to be part of your life again. And it hurts all the more to think that you don't feel the same.

I don't care whether I live or die.

2004-08-29

Very difficult morning. Did some painting, but almost impossible to motivate myself. Spent most of the time sitting with my tears staring at a drawing of J-----v . Some of the drawing has made it's way onto the painting I'm working on - The Mill.

2004-08-28

9am.: I wish I could have made her happy. Keeps going through my mind. I miss her so much, can hardly breath.

2004-08-27

Got up at 5am this morning. How ridiculous. Keep thinking about the message to put on the back of the painting I'm giving the newly weds at W----o office. Difficult to think of anything positive and uplifting. Perhaps I'll just put "wishing you both good luck and happiness forever". Haven't cried yet. Dreamt of Q-----y again, but can't remember the specifics. Good.

Seen a girl Y--w a couple of times. She's very nice and very kind. Think she's sees me more as a novelty (seeing an artist) at present. Get on well with her kids too, but... I don't know... Too soon I think. I'm too all over the place.

Thoughts of Q-----y with H---d keep hassling me. Must try not to think of that.

2004-08-26

Very tired. But I can't stay in bed as my mind just fixes on W-----v . Prised myself out of bed in fits of sobbing. Going to put this diary on the web - probably not a good idea, but the thought that it might help someone closer to suicide than me, is a positive thought. I haven't got any answers or solutions, but I guess sometimes it helps to feel that you're not alone.

Met some more people in pub last night. Everyone's very kind about my artwork. In fact, everyone's just very kind fullstop. I'm very different to everyone here though.

Mailed lots of galleries today - even the National Gallery! Had lots of prompt replies; quite surprised. Also mailed the local newspaper - who want to do a piece about me. Quite a result. Also also arrange another exhibition here in the town. I'm really on a roll.

Agony seeing Q-----y today to pick up Mln.

2004-08-25

More dreams about W-----v . This was the one where I am desperately trying to convince her to let me join in with her "going out" or "partying", but she doesn't want me there tainting their fun.

Sent the message. No reply though. I don't know whether that's good or bad. She probably just doesn't want to encourage me to contact her. It's just like the dream. I'm no longer a part of her life. The loneliness is like razor sharp spikes jabbing at my brain.

Finally got out of bed. Nonstop tears. Not for the first time, thought of permanently ending them. I wonder how bad it can get before the thought of the kids won't stop me.

I've been ill for so long. I wonder if there's anything at all of me left? I don't think that there is much.

This diary is the only friend I can talk too – perhaps the only friend I have. Helps a little I suppose.

I'm tired, so tired.

2004-08-24

Tears for breakfast, tears for tea. Went straight to pub without even going to my flat. Tears for supper. I seem to be relapsing. I thought for a moment that I was mending, but then something triggers memories and I'm back to square one.

Took a print to the framers this morning. They are very kind about my pictures, but I guess they've learned to massage their customer's egos. They said I could put one in their window if I want. Will probably do that and maybe try some other framers too. Might be a cheap way of selling some stuff. Not that I care too much about that.

Wrote Q-----y a text message when I got in along the lines of "I miss you so much, tried so hard but they were all right. I'm horrid". Will wait until the morning before I send it though.

2004-08-22

Just got back from a weekend at my C----f with the kids. What a f*****g nightmare. Oh the kids were (as usual) perfect, my Mum and L--c were great too. Everything was good (I didn't even get lost). Problem (as usual) was me. Spent most of the time very nearly sobbing uncontrollably. The rest of the time I spent very actually sobbing uncontrollably. Mainly sat staring forlornly out of the back window at the hills. Until on the second day, that is, I saw a young couple walking there. Forgotten memories of us came flooding back like red hot needles.

Most of the drive back was done through a haze of tears. I dropped the kids off and watched Q-----y as she put the car seat back into her car. She new I hadn't yet driven off, but I don't think she realized I was looking at her. I'm not sure that I realized either, until she happened to glance over at my car. She gave me a look that one might give to an aging sheepdog that was good in it's day, but was effectively no more use to anyone. Then she started to walk over, but I quickly drove off.

She reckons she went to Aber on her own over the weekend, but I shouldn't be at all surprised if she went with Btn. But I must keep thoughts like that at bay, or I really will drive myself crazy.

2004-08-11

Went over to see Q-----y and the kids this morning. As I was leaving, Q-----y gave me a hug and said she missed me. It was a painful reminder of the way she used to feel about me and made me profoundly sad to think that this view of me had been absent for so many years.

When I saw her after work to collect the kids, she was back business-like-must-organise-everyone-to-the-n^th-degree. Some of my stuff was dumped on the doorstep to serve as a poignant reminder of how she now feels about me.

Brought the kids back to my flat, with a heavy heart. Tears on the journey, and when I put them to bed. They remind me of all the best things about the wife I have lost. More tears. I so want my girlfriend Q-----y back.

2004-08-09

Going to try to work today, though I'm pretty low at moment (9am). Dreamt of cuddling Q-----y last night and woke up feeling desperately lonely.

10:15. Tears. Loneliness. I need to go into work, at least until my mind quietens. All through my life I've had this profound sense of loneliness. It's pretty dismal outside – may be contributing to my mood. Tears have stopped now; replaced by melancholy.

2004-08-07

Bit low today. Though no tears (yet).

Off to C----f today. Bit worried about getting lost.

2004-08-06

Woke up in a melancholy mood. Thought I was going to cry – haven't yet though (as at 10:45). Lay in bed for too long thinking I think… Not sure what I'll do today. Might go to the cinema.

Did have a doctor's appointment, but sod it. Do need some more tablets though.

Went out to the pub in the evening. Met X-----y and his girlfriend again, though mostly I just sat and read New Scientist.

2004-08-05

Just a quick one tonight. Went out to local art society with neighbour W---p . What a crazy night! S---q collapsed into someone's garden on the way. I think she must have some nervous disorder. When we got to the place, it was basically 4 OAP's in a little room. I don't think they quite knew what to think of my sketchbook!

We then went to the nearest pub (I did a 10 min sketch of some plastic tulips on the table (supposedly a still live, but every time one of the biddies went past my table they moved the damned flowers!).

Met total piss-head called Mike who knew a few choice phrases like "heliocentric" – did quite like him though. Seemed like he had been about a bit. S---q mega clingy.

Then after a lock-in, went back to I---n . She put on a video of a slide show – yes you did read that right. Literally a home movie of a slide show. In the background could be heard the voices of the participants, but the video stayed firmly focused (mostly) on the stills. Yes. Like some sort of crude and macabre picture show, a home movie of still photos.

S---q kept trying to touch my hands and finally, I started to get a bit shirty – don't really like to be touched by strangers, (definitely not a "tactile" person). But she just couldn't accept the fact. In the end, left on a bit of a downer for us both.

She's definitely after more than a hold of the hand…

No tears today.

Nighty night.

2004-08-04

Woke up at 7. Lay in bed for a bit desperately trying to quiet my mind of thoughts of J-----v . Tried concentrating of a black square. OK for a short time but couldn't maintain it. Images of her kept flashing across it.

Put Lord of the Rings on for a bit, and that gave me something else to think about. Realized I couldn't stay in bed all day, so I got up. And immediately burst into fits of sobbing. Keep thinking about the friendliness of her emails when I was at work and the telephone calls that I took for granted at the time. Can't stop crying.

Had half a biscuit with my pill. Couldn't manage anything else.

X---p called and I went over to Much Wenlock to disinfect his computer for him. An OK distraction for a few hours. He was friendly and we talked briefly about my situation. Still not sure I'm saying the right thing when people ask me what happened. I am saying that after L----p got better, her personality changed and we no longer had any common ground. Don't whether this is fair, but I think it is, though it is a fairly crude way of explaining things, I admit. Probably a better way would be to say that the shackles of her illness were removed and she simply flew away. : (

Finally got round to arranging the exhibiting of my paintings in the Darwin Centre – well initiated it anyway. Spoke to someone called June who was very friendly and seemed quite keen on the idea. That gave me a boost and even though thereafter walking about in Shrewsbury, I wandered about in my now standard melancholy daze, I did get a bit of a boost from it. Almost made me feel like there was something to feel good about, even though I couldn't quite manage ‘good'.

Sorted my invoices, bills etc. from the last 2 weeks. When I came across a spurious bank statement for the joint account I did feel a pang of woe. A tear almost jumped me, but I held it in check. : )

My Mum has been good. So far she has shimmied me up each time I have spoken with her.

2004-08-03

I had lost everything I had spent so long working for. Home, loving wife and to a certain extent, kids. 10 years - a third of my life gone.

When we had both been ill, things hadn't been perfect, but what marriage is? When she was cured though, then it was if I was suddenly a burden to be ignored. That hurt and I was upsetting her with my frustration - spoiling her new freedom.

I had moved out, but now, the loneliness and loss is killing me. I find myself wandering in a daze. Everything seems to be moving in slow motion. I'm crying every quarter of an hour now. The rest of the time, I just sit staring into space, or lying down desperately trying to fall asleep.

I haven't eaten anything for 2 days now and am feeling quite weak. The dream like reality may be something to do with that. I don't know.

I keep the television on just for company, but when I think about it, I realize that I just haven't got anyone anymore. I'm feel unattractive and I'm not very sociable; I just don't know how I'm going to get out this black pit.

Unaccustomed as I am to them, the tears have made my eyes very sore. They don't want to open fully either.

Everything I see and hear seems bent on reminding me of what has now gone.

I took N----w back home this morning and since then spent the day in the sofa half watching the depressing daytime television shows. Every twenty minutes I get up go to the toilet and try to throw up. Unfortunately, there's nothing in me to throw up. Then I start crying, then sobbing loudly. Then I take a brief look in the bathroom mirror at the sorry state of me and wander back to sofa with heavy limbs. I lie down in the small sofa and weep into the pillow that waits there. This goes on and on.

The paintings taunt me. Like some physical manifestation of my illness. Each one holds drunken nights of tears. I hate them, but they are all I have left.

Just spoke to T-----k . She wishes that I had "kept her in the loop" when all this was going on, even if she was just there as a voice on the end of the phone. And in hindsight, I wish I had kept her in the loop. She suggested getting out of the flat -  perhaps the cinema. Just to get away. And I think I will go.

1st Entry 

As the time of writing this introduction (it's 6am on the 27 August 2004), the diary below makes for pretty depressing reading. With a bit of luck though, it will ultimately turn into a tale of hope and recovery.

Grammar, spelling and tense is a little shakey at times, but bear in mind, the words are often written at very emotional times. I try to resist editing previous entries for fear of tainting the underlying feel.