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• 2005

2005 

2005-10-29

So pleased with the reaction that my costume got last night (and with the fact that I managed to keep it on all night) that I figured I could give it a go in Wolves.

Went to the Giffard, to their Halloween party. Definitely had the biggest costume!

2005-10-28

Had a halloween party tonight. I made an 'It's a Knockout' style Frankestein's monster costume - with a massive head! Got plenty of laughs : )

Wondered beforehand if I would be able to keep it on all night without passing out from heat exhaustion...

Managed though : ]

2005-10-20

C----w in hospital again. Spent all morning struggling with whether to visit her or not. Worried mainly that J-----g will be there. Finally decided to go at 2pm figuring he would be at work.

Didn't tell anyone but went to the hospital found she was in Ward 25 - along a long corridor and up to the top floor. Made the long walk along the with my modest bunch of flowers. Was still fighting with myself about whether it was such a good idea.

Neared the lift and decided to take the stairs. Who should I see in the lift as the doors closed... J-----g . We saw each other and he started to say something; my face made him think twice, I think. It was like a scene in a bad novel. I just left.

Feel stupid, jealous, distraught, lonely and angry all at once. He has trully infested every part of everything C----w and I had.

Definately going to get utterly wasted tonight.

2005-10-10

Finally got my overpaid rent from old landlord today. Was hoping for at least some of my deposit but given the length of time it has taken him, I gues I'm lucky even to get what I did back (haven't cashed the cheque yet though...)

Been phoning him since leaving Wem - about 4 months. What a git! Wish I could make him feel some of the frustration he has made me feel. Got to the stage where he would blatently ignore my calls or any that he even suspected were me. Ended up having to use other people's phones or hiding my number. So much hassle just to get MY money back. Really hate him and his wife (whom I suspect was behind all this).

Kept saying, "it's in the post". But it clearly never was >: /

Hope W----h takes them for at least 3 month's rent when she she leaves. One for me and two for herself!

2005-09-26

Month has flewn by. Still feel like am in a dream, and will wake any minute. More documents about the divorce... Doesn't feel fair me having to take all the blame, especially as it was her antics with J-----g that drove me out. Haven't been too well this weekend. Got pretty wasted on Saturday: another 10 hour stint. Curious how the more upset I am inside, the more laughs I get.

Keep clinging onto my Mister Man house dream. One day I hope I can live away from this increasing distasteful world.

M---j looks after me, but I can't help feeling there's no future for her with a person like me.

We are planning to go to Egypt in November. Will be interesting to see if we get there...

2005-09-10

Took kids to Rhyll in Wales this weekend. A sort of mini-Blackpool! Think they had a great time. Quite stressful at the fun-fair though - especially on my wallet. Tried not to say "no" too much.

Spent Sunday on the beach building sandcastles. We built a fortress for us then masses of sandcastles around us which we all took great delight in demolishing with pebbles. Excellent.

2005-09-05

C----w 's coming to see me at work today to get something to do with the mortgage transfer signed. Not looking forward to seeing her. Have been very upset this morning. And over the weekend. Thinking about her a lot.

At Mum's over the weekend. Out of the blue it seemed, she started talking about how she felt she had wasted the years of my childhood by not being around. Also mentioned how things had been complicated by the fact that her and my Grandmother hadn't gotten on.

Looking back, I had always felt confused (and angry, I think) by the fact that by grandparents seemed to hate my Mum and Dad (especially confusing with regards to my Dad as he was their only Son). They may not have taught me how to be happy very well, but anger and resentment was definately a lesson well learned...

There is a certain irony though, as the person I now resent more than all the others put together... is me.

She did very briefly mention my Dad's fists... I didn't persue it...

M---j patient as ever.

C----w just been. She looks lovely as ever. I miss her so much. We talked for a while about nothing really - her website, her henna etc. All I really wanted to say was, "I love you". If even if just for a split second I could see that she still loved me, I would cherish that more than anything.... But I don't. There's nothing.

I think that's why she makes me so frustrated whenever I have to deal with her.

J-----g was on holiday with my kids last week.

2005-08-31

Went to Blackpool with M---j , W-----v and V-----z for bank holiday weekend. Had awesome time. Much drink was drunk.

Did full tourist rounds on Sunday. Up the Tower, Sealife Centre, Big Wheel, Dr Who Exhibition, Waxworks, Dinosaur Trip and finally came to rest at about 7pm in the most elaborate Ballroom below the Tower. Utterly amazing. Quite surreal though with only the slosh of our beers and the sound of the Mighty Wurlitzor! Very expensive, but a really great day.

We were going to come back quite early on Monday, but I had to have at least one go on the giant rollercoaster in the Pleasure Beach. Extremely apprehensive (mainly about chucking up!), but I needn't of worried, it was f**kin' great. In fact, enjoyed it so much that I ended up buying a £30 wristband and staying all day. We finally left at about 7!

2005-07-22

Bad day today. At work (at the accountants) went through to reception to find C----w there. She was just collecting some partitions or something, but my heart went through the top of my head.

Can't say anything to M---j , will just upset her.

Still struggling to let go of C----w even though I think M---j is better for me.

2005-07-18

It's finally happened. Knew it would. C----w wants a divorce. She says it's for financial piece of mind (for both of us). While we are married (in the eyes of the law) we each have the right to half of the others estate.

Problem is... I just don't want to let go.

2005-07-12

Had to speak to C----w today about the mortgage. At the end she asked me if I was happy. Was quite taken aback at the time. Said: 'As happy as I can be'. Not sure exactly what I meant...

Miss her so much.

M---j has said that she hopes her husband is happy in whatever he is doing, but she wouldn't want to be with him. I guess that pretty much sums up what C----w meant. : (

2005-06-20

Out at the pub after work getting quite quite p**d. At end of evening: having a nice time with M---j in a lock-in, when on the stroke of midnight, my phone started beeped a reminder at me.

Wedding Aniversary

End of nice time.

2005-06-16

Did a painting for C----w . A Candle. Hid a message "Love You Miss You" in the wood on the frame. Gave to the inlaws to give to her. She didn't even say if she had received the pic, let alone found the message (doubt she did).

2005-06-12

Went to Download festival this weekend with M---j and some friends. Absolutely great time. Utterly p**d the whole time, without any hassle from anyone about it : ))

2005-05-14

Today has been difficult. N---t has been talking about showing me her dressing up box at Mummy's house: - a dressing up box just for her, K-----z and J-----g - oh yes and me.

Very tearful today. Got to try to get it on the canvas.

Lot's of trouble getting N---t to sleep tonight. Very tired. Very unhappy. Had to appologise to K-----z this afternoon for being snappy and short-tempered. Let slip that I was "so lonely". Keep thinking about J-----g and C----w sitting in the caravan late at night drinking wine and laughing together. Then walking along the beech hand in hand. I'm so unhappy.

2005-05-11

Majorly mangled. Went out last bank holiday Monday with M---j on an all-dayer and met a couple from one of the local pubs. Hung around together 'til closing time, then went back to theirs. M---j had been talking to the wife and I had been drinking heavily with the bloke... Anyway, we had all had a huge amount to drink (especially, I gather, the wife). The bloke eventually crashed out in the lounge and I was left with M---j and this woman in the kitchen.

Everything was going OK until the subject got onto circumstances. I said something throw-away like 'does he still do it for you?' and suddenly this woman went crazy! Started hassling me about how a bad childhood is no excuse, and basically how M---j 's too good for me, as I am a shit person (all facts I am only too aware of).

I took this abuse for a while until it dawned on me that I should leave, which I subsequently did - to shouts of "yeah go on then, run away..."

Been f****d up all last week and most of this week too.

I think the problem, wasn't the things she said, but moreover that I had unwittingly upset her in such a catastrophic way. I usually have sense for the "going bad...get the hell outta here...", but I didn't see it coming at all. Went back to flat and painted some really angry stuff on the latest - The Mander Center.

Things are difficult with M---j at the moment. She says she loves me and I don't know what to do.

I'm thinking a lot about C----w still. On my own at work this afternoon and loosed some tears. : (

Desperately want to get out of my flat, and maybe get a house. Somewhere of my own. But I know the contentment would be short-lived, it always is...

2005-04-06

Dreamt of her again last night. Went to the old house. It was full of people and she was the hostess. I was trying to tell her something but every time I caught up with her she would flit away to talk to someone else.

Crying now.

2005-04-05

2005-04-04

2005-04-01

2005-03-24

Very long day today. 8 hrs at one office then another 8 at the other. Just got in - it's 2am. My tired brain lowered it's defenses for just a second and before I knew it, I was utterly distraught. Endlessly uttering, 'I miss you so much...' over and over again. Cried all the way back.

Stopped off at the old house. Not sure why. Probably just to heighten my misery. (Evil Mark's like that). The light in the front room was on and I dare say they were both in there - Laughing and joking. I stood outside in the pouring rain, looking at the broken ends of the marrital bed dumped in the front garden, in a state of emotional oblivion. Cried all the way back to the flat.

There was a gap in the curtains and I gingerly tried to peak in. I think I was looking for evidence of J-----g - just by way of some s**t icing for the cake.

Couldn't see anything as it turned out.

The rain is coming down hard now. My eyes are going to be sore in the morning.

2005-03-15

Spoke too soon...

Seen C----w about. Feels like my stomach is being ripped out every time.

Had to support her with her website today. Agony looking at pictures of her. Think I'm going to write script to go through and convert it all to a static website.

She's seems so f**king high and mighty, so f**king smug

Wish I could never see her again.

2005-02-28

Not been too bad lately. Good days and bad days and (mostly melancholly days).

Lots of nice comments from visitors to the latest exhibition. Got in today though to find some nasty ones in the guest book. Why do people do that? Really upset me and made them look like complete idiots (in fact the next person to comment in the book actually wrote 'this person is an idiot'). I think that's why I haven't just torn out the offending page.

I think I'm actually quite angry. I mean, I funded the show out of my own pocket. I didn't have to show the paintings off at all. Anyway...

Been doing a lot of collating of my personality lately. And have come to the conclusion that the storm in my head is basically just the two halves of my brain squabbling. The problem is I'm a both side of the brainer. I think there may be another - much smaller personality in there too. I think this is probably the real me. Unfortunately now just beaten wafer thin by the force of wills of the others.

Lately, I almost get the feeling I can sense when one side of my personality swaps to the other. It's almost like knowing the exact moment your hiccups stop: normally you only realise they've gone some time after they've gone.

I was in a restaurant a couple of weeks ago with Mandy. We were talking and I suddenly felt that it wasn't me anymore. I felt almost like an observer. I become argumentative and antagonistic. Almost as abruptly as it had started, it left.

I sat for a moment before saying, 'that wasn't me was it?' M---j said simply: 'No'. She had noticed the change too. It was a very weird feeling, and lately I've have become more and more aware of these personality switches.

Quite worrying.

2005-02-07

C----w 's still trying to organise everyone to oblivion. Arranging who's going to have the kids 10 weeks in advance. Doesn't she understand: I can hardly think 1 day in advance. Had a nice candlelit bath tonight and felt genuinly relaxed after. Until, that was C----w started texting about kids arrangement. Then she started going on about how she thought it would be nice if me and M---j had Valentines weekend. Seems sometimes like she's trying to force the Mandy issue so that when I'm safely paired off her conscience will be clear and she can 'come out' with J-----g .

Made me cry to think of not being with her on Valentine's day. Could have another bath, but there's no hot water left. Think I'll just go to bed, so C----w and J-----g can taunt be proper (from my dreams).

Dreamt last night that I was in a queue with C----w and was talking to her. I talked for ages, pouring my heart out only to realise that she had been so preoccupied with her own reflection in a shop window that she hadn't been listening to a single word. She then just wandered off, leaving me still in the queue.

2005-01-31

S**t, I'm feeling rough. Can't stop thinking about C----w today. Pointless. She doesn't really give a shit about me anymore. Still... can't help it. Scared to sleep. Their sneering faces wait for me every night. I actually texted J-----g , inviting out for beers last night?! Can't imagine what I was thinking. Maybe I thought the best way to confront the problem was head on, I mean I just don't know.

Felt quite happy with M---j last night - probably felt indestructable. J-----g didn't text back though, and now I feel like an idiot. Seems so easy for them. Normal brains. Wish mine wasn't so f**ked up. Maybe I'd still be with C----w .

No point thinking about it in that way though. I am what I am : ( Wonder when the rot will start to set in with M---j ?

2005-01-26

Well, just when I thought the pieces were starting to reform, I get knocked right back. Spending as much time as possible with M---j (and trying not to endlessly drone on and on about C----w ). She's fallen for me in a big way, and I think I kinda feel the same. Though I am struggling to let go of the last ten years. I am desperately trying to remember that C----w hasn't been the girl I fell in love with for a very long time.... difficult though.

Had to go to Z--a 's this afternoon and I saw C----w driving towards town. She didn't notice me but she never does. Incidentally I remember near the end, if ever we walked past a mirror say in a shopping centre, I would always be looking at her reflection as would she. I think that fairly summed up our relationship at the end.

Anyway as I drove further along the road, I saw J-----g going back to work. They had had lunch together. I nearly crashed the car as my stomach bolted for my throat. You know that awful sick feeling you get sometimes in your stomach when something bad happens? Ruined my day and tears and Pink Floyd for supper.

2005-01-11

2005-01-02

Took the kids back today. Texted C----w to check that J-----g wasn't going to be there. She texted back (all innocent), "no, why?"

Asked if I could use the toilet to find out he was hiding in the back of the house. Stormed out without using the toilet.

I absolutely detest the thought of him endlessly hanging about my wife and kids. Literally turns my stomach whenever Merlin mentions anything about him.

C----w texted me to say she wants a divorce and wants to buy my share of the house off me. Utterly devasated when I got the text. I feel like I've been used for the last 10 years and now she's better, she's just throwing me away. After all we've been through. I keep thinking back to when I thought she was going to die in hospital and how it made me realise how I love her. What a cruel twist that when she came out of hospital she would realise how much she didn't love me.