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• 2007

2007

2007-12-31

G--d and C-----p seem very off with me at present. Could be because of drunken antics at the office meal (though I don't remember anything at all about it!). Know that I noisily spread the news about the new addition. Could be that it is that.

Or it could be that they are just generally feeling weird about the idea of me having another child outside of their family. Don't know.

R----t said that 'Mummy' was very shocked when he told her. I had assumed that the news would have filtered down to the grand parents, but maybe the office party was the first they knew of it.

Weird that they haven't said anything - even a grudging congratulations, like N----v .

Had a pretty crappy new year's party - though Edinburgh was always going to be tough to follow, I guess. Only me drinking out of the four of us - Me, B-----o , O----t and F----l . Had a melancholy moment in corner alone.

Feeling like I can't focus my talents into something. Lot's of loose ends that I don't seem to be able to tie off.

2007-11-23

Not wishing to waste any time in the new house... G---y pregnant! 

2007-11-08

Finally moving into new house at the beginning of this week. Been oscillating between a box room in G---y Mum's and L--m flat in Wem. Very disheartened when after a 9 hour day of dragging extremely heavy boxes around, we got in. The place was a terrible mess - the last owner was clearly a heavy smoker and the whole place was caked in a slimey layer of nicotine staining.

Feel better now though. B-----o has worked really hard and the place is already starting to feel like I could eventually call it home.

Definitely a time of change at the moment. Have quit S---h . I've been thinking about it for a while. Lot's of different reasons:

G----h vocals and stage presence really wasn't up to being in to the Hard-rock/Thrash band I was turning them into. I think they were a better band before I joined. Also, it was work work work with them. There was no social aspect to the band and precious few gigs. Fed up. already got a job. Don't want another! At least not an unpaid one!!

I was going to stay with them to record their precious CD, but when they dropped it on me that there wasn't enough money in the kitty to record it and we would all have to chip in, I knew that they had forced my hand. We had a gig the following Sunday and I decided that I would have to tell them after that (no point demoralizing everyone before the gig).

At the gig they sprung it on me that there was another gig the next Saturday (they reckoned that I knew about the gig and it's possible that they had told me, however, they have known all along not to book consecutive weekends because I have my kids every fortnight). Anyway, I was um'ing and aah'ing and as we were dropping the drums off, J----e confronted me and demanded that I agree to do the gig. "F**k you!" Thought I, after all his recent lack of commitment and financial input! Then Z---w stepped in flexing his muscles! Suddenly I felt backed into a corner. To my credit (don't know who was in control of the unit :), but I didn't back down and agree to do the gig, but instead used the "would have to square with ex", get out clause.

Later, I phoned the lads as they were on their way back to Telford and quit. Predictably Z---w just swore at me.

Over the next few days there followed a number of increasingly angry text messages and phone calls from T-----p , trying to get me to do the CD recording and gig (subsequently canceled).

An extremely hassley end to my involvement. I gave them 2 weeks to cancel (or postpone) the recording. They chose not to. If they had told me sooner that we would all have to chip in to the recording I would have left much sooner. And what was all that 'disrespectful' nonsense. They took it all much too seriously and that made it increasingly difficult to enjoy being in the band. It was almost as if they were getting desperate in their advancing years. I don't need that kind of pressure. Who does..?

Not sure whether they want the drum tracks or not now. I'll assume not.

2007-10-11 

Moving from Trench in 2 days. Have bought a house in Wolverhampton. Got fed up of giving my money to landlords. Only trouble is, the legal stuff for the other house hasn't completed yet, so we are effectively going to be homeless. - Break down in communication between the estate agents and the solicitors meant that for 3 weeks nothing was done. Annoying.

Can't seem to shake a growing paranoia at the moment. I feel like my time is almost up.

2007-06-28

Was doing some work on G---g email today at accountants and came across one from a client/ex-employee suggesting that she and G--d had been a little more than friends recently! Couldn't believe what I was reading! Didn't take much digging to find others that he had deleted, confirming this. Won't say anything to anyone though. More on this later, I suppose...

2007-06-23

Hot and cold about getting a house at the moment. On the one hand I desperately want a place of my own that I can genuinely call home, and on the other, I just can't see how I can afford it. I think I am going to have abandon moving to Wolverhampton for the time being. The extra fuel will just be too much. B-----o continues to be very difficult to live with. She keeps barking at me. Seems that she is on the offensive about everything. I already pay more rent and currently buy all the food, the least she could I would think would be to tidy the place up occasionally and do a bit of washing up. The house is filthy and I hate it.

I am not assuming that she will be living with me for long when I move...

2007-06-14

More trouble at Accountants. There was a terrific thunder storm. The power went on and off a number of times and the last time the router was fried - fizz! Act of god or what? Maybe someone's trying to tell me something.

Lot's of overtime this month though. 

2007-06-14

It's my birthday and I'll get absolutely wasted if I want to... And I surely did.

2007-06-13

T--n from A--a got back off holiday and pretty much demanded an answer re the band. He sent a token email to I----r requesting confirmation of commitment too. Told him that if he wanted an immediate response it would have to be no. So that's that.

N----z band has been signed. Feel very envious I have to admit. Will persevere I suppose.

2007-06-12

Download was great. Went with J---u and he did get a bit tiresome at times. Dimmu Borgir and Dream Theater were particularly good. 

2007-06-13

Been re-contacted by Z-----r boys. They've had no luck with drummers and feel they were a little hasty : )

Don't think I shall rejoin them, but have said I will think about it.

2007-05-31

Absolute f**kin nightmare at the accountants this week. Turned up on Tuesday to find that the server would boot up. The RAID controller had failed. Utterly out of my depth. Phoned Dell and got through to the indian support office! Could hardly understand the bloke on the phone. He told me that the only thing I could do was initialise the thing. So we did this and subsequently the discs were completely wiped. Lost the local server backup and all the operating system. I then couldn't reinstall the operating system as the CD drive was knackered! Called Dell again after a few hours of panic. Got through to the Irish office who told me that initialising the RAID array should have been the very last thing to try! More panic realising that at the very least ALL the emails were completely lost. Then found out that my mirror of the server onto one of the workstations had been bombing half way through for the last 6 months! So probably half the data was lost also! Unbelievable. Then found out that the remote backup could not be accessed without an encryption key printed out 2 years ago! And my folder of "very important stuff" had been tidied away from my desk. This meant that all the other stuff was lost.

Stayed all night reinstalling the OS - Dell engineer turned up at 8:45 pm to get the server running again.

One of the most miserable nights of my life. Felt so alone and utterly lost. Thank god for O-----c staying up most of the night on the other end of Yahoo Messenger.

2007-05-24

Have decided to buy a house. I always said that I would never buy a house a in the UK, what with the insanely bloated prices, but I am utterly fed up of giving tax evaders with loads of houses my cash to pay for their houses. I am so desperate for a home of my own - what the f**k am I doing?! At least, that was my line of thought. It's going to cost me upward of 700 quid a month though (and I am buying on my own).

2007-04-30

Well, the holiday was a f**kin disaster! O-----c and I  has run it's course, I think. All she does is complain. And the more she does, the more I struggle and try to break free.

Alas, it was Mr Hyde that was enamoured with her. But, shallow it it seems, all she does is complaint (and seemingly blame me for everything). This doesn't enamour her to him any more... And of course, that makes think worse!

When stressed, or is in a situation, that she feels is out of her control, O-----c adopts a sort of dead pan, tone of "yeah whatever...", which is really grating on my nerves currently.

She's been really ill. Some sort of muscle spasm in her neck. I had it briefly, but didn't take hold like it has in her. She went to the doctor and (I had to wait through all the other b**locks before she said that it can be caused by... yes, you've guessed it - stress.

When we were on holiday, I have to admit, I just wanted rid of her. She was endlessly playing games that I just didn't want to play...

E.g.

Me: Do you want to do such and such
Her: No
Me: Ok, well I do, so I'm off to do it
Her: Well, now I want to. You selfish b**stard!

Yawn...

Most of the problems have come from the fact that we can't afford to do anything because, I'm having to subsidise us because she has no money.

Two things:

1. She decided that she didn't want to play the 2.4 family and a mortgage game
2. She won't get a proper job!¹
   

¹Keep thinking that it could have so easily been me with literally nothing. I have to be honest in that I do really feel for her. I have never wanted to play that: walk to work, work, walk home - until you die, game either. And I have never been very good at following rules - thanks dad - you g*t. Another non-lesson learned. But again, that wasn't the one that fell for her. And now the good times have ended, we are both acting like kids that have had their toys taken away.

The holiday was utterly spoilt by G---y endless complaining about lack of money. By the end, I just wanted rid of her. I didn't mind at all paying for stuff, but she won't accept any help from anyone. "I don't want to be a burden..."... She would rather perpetually insult someone offering help by refusing their help. This (or something) is making V-----s really angry and turn away from her. S--o just looks on with a sardonic look on his face.

Resolved to buy a house. Sick of this endless state of limbo. I want home. Definitely not buying with another person though. B-----o is assuming that I don't want her to move in with me. And of course, this is making her B-----o -dead-pan surface to confirm her suspicions with my reaction to her probing on the subject.

I really think that we have run our course... I expect to get home one day to find my paintings slashed : (

2007-04-22

Had to drop kids off today (one day earlier than usual). Feeling very sad. The house seems so empty when they are gone. Miss them very much. I suppose it's because it's a change to the normal routine that I am feeling it so acutely.

Off on holiday tomorrow. B-----o has no money at all and I don't have much... Well, at least I don't have to go alone. Still looks like I'll have to to Download.

2007-04-20 

Utterly miserable at moment. We have no money. B-----o literally has zero. We've had another bill from the Council demanding overdue council tax which B-----o is meant to pay. There's no way she can, so I'll end up paying it. My Savings are now shrinking exponentially. I am having to syphon money every few days from my ISA and now do not have enough money to pay for my Beetle (which still hasn't been painted by those con men at Y---w ). Also the bank has charged me a whopping £75 in charges. I definitely can't afford to pay them that every month. I feel like I have having to pay for everything at the moment and I'm sure this isn't too far from the truth.

Starting to take my frustrations out on B-----o . Which I don't mean to do.

I don't think we will be going on holiday next week. B-----o definately won't, and though I thought I might go on my own, if push came to shove, I've woken up this morning resolved that I won't. Trying to weight up the money lost with that that would be spent if I go. Think that not going will be less. So logic speaks. I have texted B-----o a moment ago to ask her how much money we will lose, but as she permanently hasn't got any credit, I don't anticipate an answer.

I've never been this poor before. We don't even  get to go out any more and we certainly haven't got any money for food. Download will definitely be out (don't think I'll go there on my own either).

E--w keeps going on about giving me a bonus, but I haven't seen anything of that yet. Was counting on it really for the holiday if nothing else.

I've set B-----o up a shop on the web. With (a lot of) luck she'll be able to make a few quid from it.

These money worries are making me feel, more than ever like I am a complete failure and have lost the game of life. Lonely. And I can't see an end to it. Me and B-----o don't feel like a couple any more.

Emails from B-----o today suggest that she may be coming on holiday next week. Well, we'll just have to wait and see.

Got to fetch kids today for the weekend. Really not feeling up to it : (

Hope I don't upset B-----o tonight. Will have to go shopping for kids food: Might get some special waters for us too.

2007-04-13

Someone from an old band contacted me a few days ago - R--c from S---s . Makes me feel really old to think about all that time ago. He sent me an old tape inlay that I did for the band at that time. Weird looking at something from that long ago.

I have been increasingly feeling like my life is  sliding out of control. Almost like I have failed. Indeed, I've not really accomplished anything. I've never put my meagre talent to any use. In many ways I keep that side of me locked away for fear of upsetting people, or getting out of control. I let him out only very occasionally these days, on account of the money situation.

Actually I've never been pleased with anything I've painted or created. I wonder what it would have been like like if I'd played the game and gone to art college. Maybe surrounded by other creative people, I might have grown into a proper artist - instead of just a loner that can draw and paint a little.

B-----o was in a mood again today. Getting f**ked off with this.

I've got no friends (apart from B-----o - when she's not in a strop) and most of my family are dead or too wrapped up in their own lives to count.

I am lonely. And I can't see an end to it.

I wish I could just play the game without complaint, like everyone else:
House, home, family, job, fancy car, Cross and Blackwell, Shake and Vac, badminton club, dinner parties, picnics, 2 holidays a year - skiing holiday with another couple and their kids and 2 weeks package holiday in Tenerife, pension garden centres, Bournemouth, retirement home in Devon and death.

At this rate I shall die a penniless drunk with but a biscuit tin of junk to show for my entire life.

2007-04-02 

Really struggling money-wise at present. G---y job just doesn't pay her enough and all her saving are gone. Mine doesn't pay enough to support us both either.

Joined another band "J-----h ", wonder how long this one will last... Also received out of the blue, an email from R--c who I was in a band called S---s with about 15 years ago.

2007-03-03

Well that was an interesting (but not very enjoyable) night. Haygate dead til about 10, then suddenly filled up. We had been out since 4 so were pretty wasted by then. Saw Rob and we talked briefly about bands as we always do... Don't suppose we'll get anything together.

B-----o on about kids as predicted. And we topped off the night with fisticuffs before I finally went to bed to watch Starship Troopers leaving her crashed out on the sofa downstairs.

2007-03-02

14:20 

G---y not at all happy at the moment. I can only guess at what's wrong - but I'm sure I am at the heart of it : ( I've been really distant lately which hasn't helped with other issues we've both had. Chiefly, for B-----o , I think, is the money situation: she doesn't have any. She's borrowed plenty off me and though I never make a big thing out of it, I think she just doesn't like to feel like she is depending on anyone else. Has put a major strain on our relationship.

I think she is still craving kids too. Her attitude to mine when they come over seems to be getting more and more unpleasant. Almost like she is lashing out at them - at least that's the way it looks to me...

No kids this weekend and to be honest, I'm not too eager to do the standard going out and getting wasted thing. I'm still not feeling good - teetering on the edge and the dog approaches. Did some coding this morning, that helped to focus my mind. Something that eventually will enable me to publish you on the web for all the world (but not the UK) to see!

Mandy, of course, doesn't want to stay in, and when I try to get her to tell me what she does want to do (not what she doesn't) she says something annoying vague, like "anything...".

I think we will end up going out and getting wasted... Probably try the Haygate again, though it was disappointingly and utterly empty last time we tried. Will let you know what happened...

2007-02-27

J---p said he would bring round a CD of tracks for me to put some drums to - but as I expected he never did. Quite glad really if I'm honest. 

Just feeling so shity at the moment. It a real struggle just to get up in the morning. I don't feel like I've accomplished anything and whilst N----z band, D---l mehndi and even U-----k band are motoring along, everything I've have ever done has come to nought. I just want to crawl into a hole and hide from everyone.

Talking of something else that has come to nought, I've got to go and see the garage about my beetle today. Have yet more replacement parts for them! Not looking forward to it. I expect that they will make excuses about the quality or some such. I wish I'd never got the damn thing. As soon as it's sprayed, I'm going to sell it.

Got a cold and a sore throat (that's also making my jaw ache) at the moment, which probably doesn't help my state of mind. G---y been at a pretty low ebb recently too - probably, at least in part, because of me.

2007-02-17 

Turned out J---p was making it all up about the band, saw X----e and he flately denied wanting to get the band back together. I think he's too wrapped up in P---g anyway. Oh well, what the hell...

Was asked by another band Seraphidian, to try out with them and though I said I would at the time, when I got back logged onto their MySpace page and had a listen - not as thrash metal as I remember. Over technical and didn't really appeal after all. Not sure I want to be in a band at the moment anyway.

Going to try (for the hundredth time) to lose a lot of weight. Perhaps I should start by getting myself in shape physically and maybe (outside chance admittedly), but just maybe my brain will follow.

Haven't touched alcohol for two weeks and don't miss it.

2007-02-12

Had kids this weekend, but when D---p kept calling me to go out for a beer, took a gamble. After what happened last weekend with Z----r , wanted to go out with someone that was comfortable, or at least, resigned to my drunkenness. Paid off at least a little.

I think there is definitely an incubation period, where people get to me as a person that gets p*****d and understand at least in part, why I do it. Clearly that is fundamental to achieving any kind of lasting relationship with anyone. Although I have to admit there is a far more fundamental problem when it comes to me forming lasting friendships!

What happened with Z----r was that they were exposed to it without ever having given a s**t why I do it.

Going out with J---p tonight helped to reinforce the definite fact that I am not inherently a bad person, I am just trying to deal with a difficult mental situation as best I can with what I have to work with.

Said he a X----e were wanting to get their band back together. I said I would drum for them.

2007-02-10

Being "sacked" has hit me hard. Felt really bad all week. I'd been feeling low since before that really. Whatever I do or get for the kids, seems like "Mummy's got one of those" or "we do that at Mummy's" or even worse, "Berty does that at Mummy's". Makes me feel even more inadequate than I already do. Got Merlin a game for his DS and a fighting fantasy book for his birthday. She got him a WII. F**kin great.

I played really well at band practice last Saturday (maybe a little too well..) and felt really good about myself. Went totally over the top beer-wise later. And clearly scared scared the s**t out of the other band members. They obviously didn't like what they perceived as me being Jekyll and Hyde. Nonetheless a big dent in my self-confidence. In all the 30 or 40 bands I have played in, I have never (to date) been sacked. And I have always shown 110% commitment.

I have had real trouble this week motivating myself to do anything. Haven't done anything at all on my game, not done any painting, hardly any programming of any kind and most definitely no drumming.

Just don't know what to do to turn my life around.

O-----c is wonderful as always. Quite simply, my only friend.

2007-02-06

Just been sacked from Z-----r hereafter termed Z----r . I joined a band just before Xmas and we'd written almost a full set. Went out with them for the first time on Saturday and I guess I must have upset one of them, as I have just been phoned to say I'm out.

Got pretty wasted (as usual) and I guess they just weren't expecting it. They did seem a bit stiff though (very middle age - B-----o even commented on it). I'm gonna get that more and more as I get older in years but not in mind. D---l middleagedness was just the tip of the iceburg I think.

Never been sacked before. knocked me for six.

2007-01-01

Started through highlands today, thinking we would go up to Inverness and back down past Lock Ness.

Half way up met a really scary blizzard. Was parked in layby when another car, trying to started skidding and almost crashed into us.

A little later, with a long queue of traffic behind me, I tried to pull over to let them past, only to find that I could slow down! No grip at all. Skidded and almost lost control. Scary.

We stopped at the next available town. Nice one called Aviemore. Not much snow there - ironic, as we later found out that it was the main ski resort of the highlands.